GREAT Composer

Running only in a straight line, weaving a tight net. I thought time only went forward. Who would have thought that time would bounce back, sideways, and in all directions, stirring up the net and eventually becoming like a tangled thread, like crumpled paper, would become so messy! I believed that yesterday’s desperate efforts would guarantee today and that today would guarantee tomorrow. I went to the bridge of Yeondeungcheon in Yeosu, bought a leg of dog meat, put it in a pot, and boiled it with soybean paste, and my father and mother prepared the meat. The black leg of meat was cooking in the middle of the pot. Time sometimes brings this and that to mind, and I don’t know what kind of links and equations it is formed through. Memories of times that don’t match at all are crumpled and appear here and there. The thought of boiled dog meat comes to mind right now when I see this cute little girl asking to borrow money because her father is sick. I was thinking of boiled dog meat when I saw the cute little girl asking me, a virtuous and famous composer and professor, to borrow money. My hands were filled with inspiration as I played Wagner’s masterpiece. It was amazing how the human brain could think of so many things at the same time. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt such a mess of time, memory, and desire. I think I should fold time like folding paper. First, I’m going to focus on the time in front of me. I’m going to put aside the Wagner inspiration that came to mind as a lie and satisfy my body that’s burning with lust. When this thought progresses, the world suddenly brightens and a bright light shines like a blessing. Well, it’s a blessing. A blessing that can’t be refused.

I rode a blue horse across a red field to a garden full of golden flowers and a grand piano like a black bull. The copper wires were vibrating and the music was approaching the whole world with a trembling sound. I don’t know what happened. It was as if everything was hypnotized. Time was jumbled and I thought that everything was just like that, without any order or waiting, and I gave up for a moment without thinking. The small body was in his hands, and I think I heard his breath near my neck and ears. I don’t know exactly. What happened. I was possessed, my being and my soul were not attached to my body. I was already someone looking at me. She was not me, and the woman I was looking at did not recognize me.

• Origin in Korean written by Ouchul Hwang

직선으로만 달려가 촘촘한 그물을 짠다. 시간이 앞으로만 가는 줄 알았네. 뒤로 옆으로 사방으로 튀어서 그물을 휘젓고 급기야는 얽힌 실타래처럼 시간이 그렇게 구겨진 종이처럼, 뒤죽박죽 될 줄은 누가 알았겠는가! 어제의 필사적인 노력이 오늘을 보장하고 오늘이 내일을 담보한다고 믿었었네. 여수 연등천 다릿가에 가서 개다리 하나 사다가 냄비에 넣고 된장과 함께 푹 삶은 고기를 아버지가 엄마와 함께 준비했었어. 검은 고깃다리가 냄비 한복판서 익고 있었지. 시간이 가끔씩 이것 저것을 끌고와서 생각나게 하는데 그건 어떤 고리와 방정식을 통해서 이루어지는지 알 수가 없거든. 전혀 맞지 않는 시간의 기억들이 구겨져서 여기저기 출몰하거든. 삶은 개다리 생각이 지금 나는 건 애비가 아프니 돈을 빌려 달라는 이 귀여운 여자아이를 보는 순간 떠올라. 나같은 덕망있고 유명한 작곡가이자 교수인 나에게 돈을 빌려 달라고 하는 귀여운 아이를 볼때 나는 삶은 개다리 생각을 하고 있었지. 내 손은 바그너의 걸작을 연주하며영감을 받아 충만한 상태였네. 사람의 뇌가 동시에 이런 여러가지 생각들을 할 수 있다는 것이 경이롭게 느껴져. 그렇게 시간과 기억과 욕망이 뒤엉켜 뒤죽박죽된  공간을 느껴본게 참 오랜만의 일일세. 종이 접듯이 시간을 접어야 할 것 같네. 우선 눈앞의 시간에 집중할 생각이네. 허위처럼 떠올랐던 바그너의 영감은 잠시 밀쳐두고 육욕으로 달아오른 몸을 만족시켜 볼라네.  이런 생각이 진전될때 갑자기 세상이 밝아지고 환한 빛이 축복처럼 비추임을. 그럼, 축복이지. 거절하지 못하는 축복.

푸른말을 타고 붉은 들판을 가로질러 황금빛 꽃들로 가득한 정원지나 검은 황소 같은 그랜드피아노가 있는 곳에 갔었어요. 구리선이 진동하며 음악을 온 천지에 떨림으로 다가가고 있었지요. 무엇이 어떻게 된건지 모르겠어요. 그냥 모든게 최면 걸린듯. 시간이 뒤죽박죽되고 나는 순서도 없이, 기다림없이, 그냥 모든게 그렇게 되는것인가보다하고 잠깐 생각아닌 체념을 했었어요. 작은 몸은 그의 손에 있었고 그의 숨결이 내 목과 귓가 근처에서 들렸던 것 같아요. 정확히는 모르겠어요. 무슨일이 있었는지를. 나는 홀린 듯, 내 존재와 내 영혼은 내몸에 달라붙어 있지 않았어요. 나는 이미 누군가가 되어 나를 바라보고 있었어요. 그녀는 내가 아니었고, 내가 바라보는 그녀는 나를 알아보지 못했어요.